I’ve lived in my old lady neighborhood for 16 years.  I was too young for the neighborhood back then, but I’ve aged into it.  Many of us are now old, nearly deaf, or blind, or unsteady but too vain for canes.  Last week, I was walking my dog when Becky stopped her car to tell me it was her birthday.  No one had done anything for her, so she went to Meijer to buy a piece of cheesecake.  Immediate guilt. 

“No one did anything?”

“No, my kids celebrated my birthday on Labor Day.”

“I’m sorry.  Let’s knock on Marsha’s door right now.  We can celebrate your birthday and play Skipbo.”

Becky needed to walk her dog and it was late, so I we decided to do a birthday lunch the following week. 

I go home and call Marsha.  She feels horrible and immediately agrees to take Becky to lunch.  Becky chooses to go to O’Charley’s on Monday.  I call Lou and tell her the plan.   

“When is Becky’s birthday?” Lou asks.

“It was a few days ago.”

“Why are we late?” Lou wants to know.

“Because none of us knew it was her birthday.”

“I’m dropping off a card tomorrow,” she says, and then tells me she’s going to the birthday lunch, but she doesn’t like O’Charley’s.

We’ve been a foursome for over 10 years; before Becky lost most of her hearing, and 94-year-old Lou lost most of her patience; before Covid nearly killed Marsha and I was told an upcoming surgery might kill me.  We are a group of survivors! 

On Sunday, I call Lou to remind her of the lunch and text Marsha and Becky saying I’ll pick them up at 11:30.  Marsha wants to know what we are doing. 

The following day, I get Marsha who struggles with a knee brace to get in the back seat so Lou can have front seat.  Next, I help Lou walk to my car. 

“Debi, can you feel my butt.  It might be wet.”  I ask Lou why I need to feel her butt.  She says she sat in a wet chair.  Her butt’s wet, but my car seats are leather.  We get Becky and head to O’Charley’s.

After Lou tells the hostess we need a different table, we settle in.  We chat a long time before a server takes our drink order.

“Becky, how much do you weigh?” Lou asks.

“Lou, that’s not a good question,” Marsha tells her.

“Why not?  I want to know what Becky weighs.  I’m about 120 or 124.”

Becky ignores her. 

Lou is relentless, “Becky, what do you weigh?  You’re too skinny.”

“I weigh about 140.  Did you have a BM this morning?”

“Why do you need to know?” Lou asks.

I’m shutting them down! “Let’s figure out what we want to eat since it’s taking so long to get our drinks.”

Lou is not hungry.  She wants to share a meal with me.  She explains that she never eats more than a few bites.

I notice there are very few pictures on the menu.  Lots of confusing combos – “choose two” or “choose three.”  The “choose three” includes a column for beverages.  Lou wants to skip that column and instead order two from the appetizer or entrée column.  I wish there were menu pictures.

Marsha wants to help.  “Lou, what about a quesadilla?”

“What’s that?” asks Lou.

“It’s Mexican,” I tell her.  Lou won’t eat Mexican.

Turns out a 30-minute wait for the drinks was a good thing.  I order for Lou a cup of potato soup and tell her we will split a hamburger.  Our waiter is very nice, he is a new server, and his name is Channing.  Throughout the meal, he apologizes and reminds us that he is new.  Several times we flag down another waitress because Channing has either forgotten us or he’s terribly slow.

“Do you think Channing could be a girl.” Lou asks.

“He’s a boy.” I reply.

“Channing can be a girl name.” Marsha says.

“He has beautiful hair. His ponytail is long.” Becky adds.

This is not political or gender-identity talk.  It’s confused old-lady talk.  I tell the group we need to be careful because things are different now. 

“What’s different?” Lou asks.  “He is pretty enough to be a girl.” 

Food arrives and we tell Channing that everything looks good, but we need a soup spoon.  After he leaves to get the spoon, Lou says she wants crackers.  My soup is getting cold, so I ask another server for a spoon and crackers.  Channing returns with both, again reminding us that he’s new.  We tell him to relax, we are a patient group.  (We are also liars.)

Lou eats her 1/2 hamburger and wants more potato soup.  By mistake, Channing brings chicken soup.  His mistake, he’s new.  Next, he brings potato soup.  Lou has eaten half of the chicken soup, so she gets a to-go container for the potato soup.  She has eaten more than anyone at the table.  She asks for a water “to go.” Channing returns with an extra-large Styrofoam cup.  Without asking, I grab Lou’s heavy cup and dump ½ the water. Damage control.

It’s time to pay the bill.  Channing shows us a table payment machine.  He explains that he’s divided our orders, but accidentally added a queso hamburger meal from another table on our machine.  We are to ignore that order and only pay for our food.  Simple enough? NO!  Becky is last to pay.  She won’t take out her credit card because she thinks she paid for the queso meal.  I’m the youngest so I grab the machine.  I hit the “back” button.  I look for our bills.  All are gone except for the queso burger.  I show Becky.  I repeat hitting the “back” button and show her several times that the queso meal has not been paid.  Finally, she pulls her card from the machine and says she will check with her bank to see if they charge her for the meal.  Lou slides me a few dollars to pay for her portion of the meal.  I don’t accept.  She tells me not to forget to tip.  It becomes a dollar shuffle.  I take $3 and we finish up.

I leave Marsha and Becky the task of getting Lou to the parking lot, while I go get the car.  As I’m pulling up, I see Lou hanging on Marsha and Becky carrying drinks and soup.  Marsha is in a knee brace and struggles to walk.  But Lou insisted Marsha help her; Becky is too skinny.

We get Lou home.  I help her out of the car and walk her inside.  Becky walks home.  I get back to the car; only Marsha sits inside.

“I need a drink.  I’m exhausted.”  

Marsha agrees.

“You won’t drink with me!”

“Yes, I will,” she quickly responds.

The two of us head out to decompress. 

Thursday evening, I miss Helen’s call, but return it in less than two minutes.

 “Are you screening your calls? You never answer when I call. We’re going to Lou’s to play euchre Saturday at 2:00. She wants you to come,” demands Helen.

“I’ll be there if my daughter is not in the hospital having a baby.” 

 “How will I know if you’re not coming? We need four players.”

I promise to call.

Saturday morning Helen calls, “I hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings, but to relieve your stress could you stay home? Jan might have the baby.”

“Relieve my stress? I’m fine,” Helen doesn’t worry about my stress.

“Well, Becky wants to go. I don’t want to tell her she can’t go.  We only need 4 players for euchre. You can both go. Maybe the place has a library. I’ll sit in the library.”

“No, Helen, you aren’t sitting in a library. I’ll stop by to see Lou. I don’t need to play euchre. It’s okay,” Nothing is simple with this group.

 I find Helen, Becky, and Sherry in the rehab parking lot. Sherry hugs me then looks at Helen. I know she’s doing a mental count.

 Lou is waiting in the reception area with a walker. “This thing is my savior right now. The doctor told me to not go forward, or sideways, or backward. What are you supposed to do? Stand and not move?” Lou pivots and we follow.  “I don’t know. The doctor is 10 years old. Everyone looks young when you’re 85, even you Debi. Let’s go play.”

In the dining room, staff is getting Lou’s table ready. They’ve got lemonade, tea, and coffee. Lou says we aren’t going to drink their coffee because it’s no good. Sherry’s made coffee and cookies.

We pull over a 5^th chair. Sherry puts cookies on the table. Everyone except Lou takes a cookie. Then Lou tells me to put the cookies on the floor.  She doesn’t like them. She likes cookies from McDonalds. She buys them 3 times a week. “That’s nine cookies a week,” she tells us.

“We can multiply,” Helen says.

“Who wants a tattoo?” Becky asks.

What? Do you want one?

“Yes. Who wants one? Most people secretly want a tattoo.”

“Where would you suggest I put a tattoo?” Lou wants to know.

Helen holds up her arm and flips her flabby wing. She’d get an American flag and let it wave in the wind.

“Can we go Monday?” Becky asks.

“We’re dealing with walkers and oxygen and canes. Who’s going to tattoo this group? Let’s play cards. Becky and Debi pretend you’re one player, so we have 4.” Lou’s shuffling the cards. “Helen, I’m glad you don’t have that flat hair today.”

“Thanks. I guess that means my hair is okay today.”

“Well, there aren’t holes in it. When it’s flat you have holes in the back.”

“So, who wants to get a tattoo on Monday?” Becky asks.

Lou deals the cards, “What’s wrong with you, Becky? You can’t get a tattoo Monday…you could get infected. Some of those places are dirty. Do you want AIDS? Sherry, hearts are up.”

“Debi, why don’t you check and see where we can get tattoos?” Becky asks. “Want to do it on Monday?”

“Becky, seriously, I don’t have time. Lou, why don’t you check? You sit around a lot.”

“Speaking of sitting around, are you outside trying to run again?” Lou asks. “Has anyone seen Debi try to run? It’s not easy to watch. Scares me. Hearts are up. Who wants hearts? Anyone? It’s down.”

“Debi, what would you get tattooed on you?” Becky asks. “I want a frog jumping off a Lilly pad.”

I don’t want one, but if I did, I guess I’d get a ladybug.

“What’s trump?” Helen asks.

“There’s no trump yet,” Lou answers. “I liked your hair short. It looked good. No holes. It’s getting long again.” Lou continues as she pulls her hair down on her forehead with a little wink. “Keep the bangs off your forehead. Doesn’t look good. What’s trump?”

I’m not getting a tattoo on Monday, but if I did it would be a big fat ladybug with the words “I Love Crazy Women.”

What happens when plans are jumbled up, you don’t know what tomorrow holds, and you face the unknown?  There are no promises.  How can you do it without fear?  You can’t until you trust yourself.  Believing you have no control is absolutely wrong.  We have more control than we are led to believe.  Much of what happens is a consequence of what happened in our past.  We cannot change it, but we can look at it, own it, and learn from it.  We can accept that we did the best we could at the time.  We can ask for forgiveness if we hurt someone.  We can forgive those who hurt us.  Forgiveness cleans the slate and gives us a chance to start over.  We remove toxic people from our lives.  We keep people who feed our spirit.  We learn we have rights.  We learn to be assertive without being aggressive.  We learn how to take care of ourselves and let others be responsible for their actions and consequences.

Starting over is difficult.  Few people would choose to be knocked flat out with the grueling task of deciding what to keep and what to throw away.  What matters?  When life is good everything seems to matter… then suddenly not so much.  We become selective.  Relationships matter.  Health matters; being self-sufficient matters; feeling peaceful matters.  Once we recognize and loosen our grip on past we can move forward. It takes discernment and an openness to change.  We can have love and support, but we are alone.  No one can do it for us.  We must dig deep.  For Christians, it takes listening to the whispers of the Holy Spirit.    For others, I’m not sure what it takes, but still I’m sure it’s a solo journey.

My daughter is on that journey.  She is sharing with me things she didn’t realize until she dug deep.  I was in that past with her, but even so her journey was solo.  As she moves forward rebuilding her physical, mental, and spiritual life I walk beside her, but I can’t do it for her.  That for me is a most difficult truth.  While she is learning, she is teaching me.

 

After much research, I know how I am going to vote in the 2012 Presidential Election.  I respect a difference of opinion.  We are all afforded the opportunity to go to the voting booth and vote our convictions.  I am a registered voter with a photo ID.  Yes, a photo ID.  We need ID to do most anything, but apparently many believe we have qualified voters who can’t manage to produce a photo ID.  Nonsense.

I believe this country needs to get back to less government, more individual responsibility and continued compassion helping those who need it, expecting those able to put forth great effort to take care of themselves.  Let’s quit coddling those with a sense of entitlement.  California, one of our most liberal tree-hugging states, is in dire straits.  Gas prices are nearly $5 a gallon and their unemployment benefits last 2 years.

This country is a mess and it has hit close to home.  I’ve lost all the equity in my home.  I have been uninsurable since 1973 and remain uninsurable.  I was forced to close an established million dollar business two years ago.  The gas prices are sky-rocketing.

Trillions of dollars of additional debt and unemployment and underemployment are causing more federal benefits to be doled out than ever before in history.  Our country is more focused on inclusion and gay marriage than facing the reality that terrorists are among us and would kill all of us given a chance.  We blame an Islamic video for an attack at an embassy killing four Americans.  I watched the video.  Hillary was not speaking for me when she went worldwide apologizing for the video and explaining our politics and freedom of speech.  It was clear we were dealing with evil.  Are we trying to get those who hate us to like us or understand us?  What is with this inclusion, and sensitivity, and fairness.

Concern with minority issues has gotten out of hand.  We worry about illegal aliens and their rights.  We consider lawsuits from those who do not have legal status.  We scream “bigot” at those who believe marriage is between a man and a woman.  We insist guns kill people; instead of people kill people.  We shun those who demand their right to religious freedom be upheld.  However we install a basin at the airport for a minority religion so its members can wash their feet.  More than 50% of marriages end in divorce and drag children through turmoil.  We have dumbed-down education, given poor teachers tenure and expect villages to raise our children.  We expose ourselves and our children to sex, violence, and selfishness without acknowledging the reality of the consequences of immoral choices..  We believe crime toward a minority is more reprehensible than crime toward a heterosexual white person.  We passed the Hate Crime law to prove it.

As far as Obama Care… there are too many hidden agendas.  We have Nancy Pelosi saying, ““We have to pass the (health care) bill so you can find out what is in it”.  What?  Congress should trust that it is “good”.  She supports it, but hasn’t read it.  She wanted to hurry and pass it because it could be a Christmas present for the American people. This is insane. Obama Care will require thousands of new IRS agents to enforce it.  It will not help me get health insurance.  The uninsurable benefit is only available to the irresponsible who go three months without health insurance. The American public has no idea what is hidden in those thousands of pages of reforms. What a mess.

Do we need reform?  Yes.  Our healthcare is too expensive, there are lots of problems and poor people die more often because they cannot afford preventive care.  Many of us are uninsurable.  Obama Care is not the answer.   Give power to the states.  States that will provide more affordable and accessible medical care,  treat their citizens fairly, provide good education, housing, infrastructure, lower their crime rates, bring in new business and employment opportunities will increase their contributing population.  Responsible hard-working people will gravitate to those states.  The states not meeting standards will continue to dole out benefits or improve to bring economic stability to their state.  Let’s get competitive and get the national government out of our lives.  We all know that once government gets involved we are at the mercy of people who are looking to keep their jobs.

Keeping their jobs is the goal of most politicians.  In 2008, Bill Clinton said Obama’s economic plan was a fairy tale.  Why?  Hillary was running against Obama.  Now, Clinton is promoting Obama as the one who will get us out of this economic mess.  Why?  Because if Obama gets another term, Hillary will ride his coattails into a presidency of  her own.  It’s all politics, politics, politics.  We’ve got people passing laws that will never affect them.  People making careers out of being politicians.  Democrats and Republicans need to be watched closely…  and it would be helpful if those voting would at least be sharp enough to listen to the liberals, moderates, and conservatives and use a little discernment before making a decision on who they are going to entrust this great country.   I believe we are a wonderfully diverse population.  Unfortunately, we’ve voted ourselves into an economic and entitlement nightmare.

“The more a man knows the more he forgives.”  – Catherine The Great.

Is Catherine attempting to help us understand the human condition?  She admits she married her husband because of his crown.  She was unfaithful.  Her husband was unfaithful.  Her oldest son may have been illegitimate, her additional three children were illegitimate.  Did she need forgiveness?  Was she trying to forgive?

Studies show that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments.  A recent study at the University of Wisconsin found the more forgiving people were, the less they suffered from a wide range of illnesses. The less forgiving people reported a greater number of health problems.  Illness after illness has been blamed on stress.  An unforgiven offense is reportedly a top stressor.

Rather than unforgiveness, could it be the offense that makes the cardiovascular and nervous systems unsteady?  Why is lack of forgiveness blamed?  Does this not add insult to injury?

I was once told by a marriage counselor concerning my husband’s affair, “If you can forgive, you can save your marriage”.  Now, twenty years later I think about that statement and the counselor’s followup, “Don’t bring up the past or your marriage won’t work”.  I was assigned a double burden, “forgive and forget”.    

I wonder, what is forgiveness?  Does it mean we forget?   Can we simply choose to forgive?  Are some things too horrendous or hurtful or evil to forgive?  Could it be some things only God can forgive?  If we do not wish harm or retribution is that forgiveness?  Does forgiveness remove the stress or pain caused by the offense?

I have talked to lots of people about forgiveness.  I frequently meet people who struggle with aftermath of failed marriages.  They are trying to recover from decades of stressors that may  have included physical or emotional abuse, neglect, alcoholism, lies, infidelity, or financial ruin.  They face dilemmas over children’s emotional issues and custody battles, health and medical insurance, support payments and division of properties, loss of security, friends, customs and traditions.  Not only are they sad, hurt, bitter, scared or angry, they are pressured to forgive almost immediately.  The scare tactics used against the non-forgiving add to the pain of recovery and finding a new normal.

I tread lightly when talking about forgiveness in support groups.  Are we commanded to forgive?  Yes.  Did Jesus forgive?  Yes.  Are we as perfect as Jesus?  No.  Do studies show forgiveness is healthy?  Yes.  So, I go back to “What Is Forgiveness?”

Could it be forgiveness means letting it go, not dwelling on the past, and not wishing harm or unhappiness to the offender?  That is about the best I can do.  There are no warm fuzzy feelings.  I am not fool enough to maintain friendship or trust with an offender who clearly does not change behavior, acknowledge wrong, or ask for forgiveness.

I do not need scientific studies to tell me my health is as risk because I can’t forgive.  My health was more at risk when I spent 20 years continually forgiving an offender that showed no remorse.  Today,  I’m a whole lot more gentle with myself.  I do not stress over forgiving.  With God we have no secrets.  If we are open to his guidance…we will get where we need to be.

I write for my children and grandchildren because I hope I can cover enough that they will not need to guess my thoughts after I’m gone.  My grandmother and mother were gone before they were able to gather the wisdom that comes with old age.  I only have wisdom of nearly 60 years.  I cannot imagine how much more I would know if I made it to 90 years.  I’ll keep writing until I die, but as of now I have no idea when that will be, but it will be the perfect time in God’s will.

Worry…  My highest worry times were when I thought I could control things.  I figured if I worried enough the right answer would come and I could FIX someone or something.  Some things cannot be fixed and people cannot be controlled.  It is a waste of time to try to change someone.  Decide whether they have enough good qualities to keep the relationship.  If not, remove them from your days and mind.  Choose carefully what you worry about.  Worry is stressful and stress is unhealthy.

School…  Past the primary grades, school is a challenge for most all kids.  Parents play a major role in the success of their child’s academic and social life.  Good parents want their kids to take studies seriously, but don’t expect 100% effort at all times.  No one gives anything 100% 24/7 unless they are miserable or neurotic.  Bad parents are so wrapped up in their own dysfunction they forget to look at report cards or attendance.  Good parents stay out of their kid’s drama at school.  Bad parents are in the drama and battling with other parents or teachers frequently.  Good parents talk to their kids about how to handle difficulties.  Kids need good parents to be able to focus on getting along with peers.  Having a group of decent friends is most important.   Kids need to feel they fit in somewhere and that they are valued by peers.  This is most difficult because we all lack confidence when we are young.  Even the kids who appear to be most popular are insecure.  It’s a given when in school.  The best way to have friends is to smile a lot and be nice to everyone.   Never bully or pick on someone; if you do it will never be forgotten by the one you hurt. 

Remember what you worried about last year?  Did the worry change the outcome?  It seems that the things we worry about are not the things we ultimately experience.  While we are worrying about this… that happens.  Don’t worry.  Be happy.