Why is it that at 59-years-old I’m still needing “new starts”?  I get real close to where I need to be and then fall back into old habits that I know are going to undo everything.  Undoing usually has to do with exercise and weight, but sometimes it has to do with schedules and taking on too much.

What are the triggers?  Am I angry?  Disappointed?  Careless?  Losing control can keep me in it’s grips even when I’m trying to pry the fingers from around my neck.  I know I’m going to strangle myself if I don’t relax.  Right now, I’m close to cutting off oxygen.

I  have been tired for months.  I don’t know which came first – lack of exercise or tiredness.  Did I quit exercising because I was tired or did I get tired because I quit exercising.  Did I begin out of control eating because I was sitting too much or did I sit too much then begin eating?  Do the answers matter?

I can continue to sit and ponder and eat or I can decide to get up move and quit stuffing.  I’ve once again reached the point of SCARY.  I know my heart cannot handle an extra 25 pounds of fat.  I remember when I thought I was going to die;  my doctor told me to move even if I moved at a snail’s pace.  Move.  He told me to quit eating junk.  I was warned that we are like dogs.  If a dog eats more than his dog food, he will never be satisfied with only dog food.

So…now I must start a new day with all of this knowledge in the forefront of my mind.  Answers to my deep-thought questions don’t matter.  I can move.  I do not need to sit like a sloth eating and watching TV or playing on the computer.  I need to move.  I need to eat to live.  If I continue with lack of control and a head full of questions there will come a day when my doctor runs out of answers.  I am the only one who can fix this mess.  It’s time to get a little selfish, it’s about the only way I can take care of myself.

I need a few weeks of down time.  I need to be alone for awhile.