My weight gain came later in life, which left me scrambling to figure out what to do.

I joined fitness gyms and bought fitness equipment. I tried diet supplements, aids, pills, bars, and frozen dinners. I tried my mother’s egg diet, my aunt’s grapefruit diet, and my neighbor’s Sleeping Beauty diet. I read dozens of books on scientific breakthroughs. I joined Weight Watchers, Nutri-System, and Jenny Craig. I fasted four months on a medically supervised liquid-only diet. I joined internet weight-loss programs, which tracked every calorie. I tried yoga, Pilates, and meditation. I committed to multiple life-style changes. I kept food journals, counted carbs, and permanently banned donuts and Big Macs. I own 34 work-out DVDs and VHS tapes ranging from nice guy, Richard Simmons to the terminator, Jillian Michaels. I’m sometimes at a good weight, but more often on a yo-yo… 30 up – 20 down – 10 up – 5 down…

I’ve been on a diet for 20 years.

I never choose diets or strategies on a whim. I hear about them. A fat person loses fat and then tells me how to lose fat. I’m convinced it works and I can do it, too. Later I run into the advisor and we’re both fat.

This time is different. For the past 10 months, I’ve been losing weight and getting fit the hard way, which is the right way, which is supposed to become the natural-easy way, eventually resulting in a permanent way of life.

I’m networking with different kinds of people; some former fatties, some athletes, some wanting to lose weight, or get stronger or healthier. We met on a dating site. I internet chat with these people every day…they are available 24/7. We call ourselves Accountability Partners (APs). We share our health and fitness goals each day. In sharing we teach and learn. I’m mostly a student.

Many days my workouts happened because of a promise I made to my APs in the morning.

I’ve lost over 20 lbs., but even better I’ve built endurance working out at least four times a week. I’m stronger and I’m faster. I’m not a graceful jogger, but I try. I watch and I listen to my APs. I would not be where I am today without them.

I’ve never met daily requirement for fruits or veggies, so when I learned many of my APs experience weight-loss and increased energy by juicing, I bought a juicer. The raw fruit and veggie pictures on the juicer box were beautiful. The promises in the literature made me want to become a juicing maniac.

By using the juicer, I’ll have beautiful hair, skin and nails; an enhanced mood, increased energy, and increased athletic performance (I can use that when I jog). Juicing will improve my digestion, sleep, cholesterol, and blood pressure. Over time, I will see a visible decrease in wrinkles and improved elasticity.

Day 1 – I head to the grocery. Many juicers use kale, but I was told beginners will want spinach because it’s not as bitter. I don’t want bitter. I want delicious. I return home with bananas, apples, strawberries, mango, red pepper, broccoli, and lots of spinach. I clean the produce and make my first juice. It’s ugly. I drink it. It’s not as good as I had hoped, but not bad.  Later in the day, I make a second juice with different ingredients. I can’t drink it. I add strawberries and bananas and finish the drink. I don’t like it. I need to acquire a taste. I finish 8 cups of juice.

Day 2  – I wake with stomach pains.  My stomach never hurts. It’s either the juice or a virus. I wait until 1 p.m. to make my first juice. It’s extra ugly…thick green; smells like wet grass. I sip and then add 6 strawberries. I pour it over ice. Ice might help. I sip, I gag. I continue this pattern long enough to drink about ¼ cup. One more gag is going to induce a horrible juice reflux. I make chicken tortilla soup; delish!

Day 3 –  I’ll decide whether the juicer stays. I’ve been doing this diet stuff long enough to know there are millions of scientific findings and roads to fitness. Juicing is very expensive and my taste buds are screaming Gag Me.  At the end of the day the juicer leaves!

I’ve reached my limit.

My excuses have led to a 25 pound weight gain.  I had plenty of reasons as to why this “happened” to me.  First, my muscles were weak and every step I took caused pain…I was sure I was slowly going to become a cripple or least a person with a cane.  I had a podiatrist wanting to do surgery on my foot; I refused.  I had doctor checking me for osteoporosis, arthritis and fibromyalgia.  After a year of this nonsense, my sister convinced me to get off the cholesterol drug.  Pain gone.  Then, I break my foot.  I was non-weight bearing for a month and then on crutches for three months.  The doctor told me it would be a year before my foot would be back to normal.

How could I not gain weight moving so slow?  So, be gone common sense eating.  I was a 2-year mess of a specimen… a person turning into a blob.  I’d joke about being a sloth on the couch, but it wasn’t a joke.  The couch, a plate or bag of anything to munch on, and the television became my evening routine beginning as soon as possible.

The longer this routine went on the more fatigued I became.  So, now I’m complaining to my cardiologist that I’m too tired.  Is there something wrong?  Once again, tests are scheduled.  Blood clot in the heart.  Do not exercise.

I’m thanking God that I’m a lazy fat sloth.  My lack of movement probably kept the clot in my heart and didn’t encourage it to move to my lungs.  That was a few months ago.  Last week my doctor tested everything.  The test results were normal.  My heart is functioning well.  The blood flow to/from heart is good.  I’ve been given the okay to exercise.  And, I know when I’ve been given the okay, it’s expected that I get back to my old routine.

I’ve been lucky.  I feel like the Enegerzier Bunny.  The blessing of good health merits thanks to God with a promise to show appreciation by taking care of myself.

Why is it that at 59-years-old I’m still needing “new starts”?  I get real close to where I need to be and then fall back into old habits that I know are going to undo everything.  Undoing usually has to do with exercise and weight, but sometimes it has to do with schedules and taking on too much.

What are the triggers?  Am I angry?  Disappointed?  Careless?  Losing control can keep me in it’s grips even when I’m trying to pry the fingers from around my neck.  I know I’m going to strangle myself if I don’t relax.  Right now, I’m close to cutting off oxygen.

I  have been tired for months.  I don’t know which came first – lack of exercise or tiredness.  Did I quit exercising because I was tired or did I get tired because I quit exercising.  Did I begin out of control eating because I was sitting too much or did I sit too much then begin eating?  Do the answers matter?

I can continue to sit and ponder and eat or I can decide to get up move and quit stuffing.  I’ve once again reached the point of SCARY.  I know my heart cannot handle an extra 25 pounds of fat.  I remember when I thought I was going to die;  my doctor told me to move even if I moved at a snail’s pace.  Move.  He told me to quit eating junk.  I was warned that we are like dogs.  If a dog eats more than his dog food, he will never be satisfied with only dog food.

So…now I must start a new day with all of this knowledge in the forefront of my mind.  Answers to my deep-thought questions don’t matter.  I can move.  I do not need to sit like a sloth eating and watching TV or playing on the computer.  I need to move.  I need to eat to live.  If I continue with lack of control and a head full of questions there will come a day when my doctor runs out of answers.  I am the only one who can fix this mess.  It’s time to get a little selfish, it’s about the only way I can take care of myself.

I need a few weeks of down time.  I need to be alone for awhile.